She sent me this:
Good morning ma, please ma, I need your advice ma, regards my marriage. I got married last year December. Actually, my husband happened to be my mate when we were at school but then we were not friends, but after 6years of graduating from higher Institution, we met again and he proposed to me and we got married but before we got married, I asked him some questions about his spiritual life and answers then were positive, we even prayed together then. He didn’t womanize, he didn’t drink and we also talked about those things too before I accepted to marry him, but I never knew that he stopped those acts just to pretend for that period. So, a month after our wedding, he brought out his behavior, he drinks and womanize, then, stopped going to church. A man that was romantic in bed before is now a horror and I got married to him as a virgin.
What now made me to consult you is that he has started bringing strange things home (charms collected from Alfa and Herbalist) I’m so afraid because I had never seen him with those things before. Ma, I don’t know what to do because right now I am six months pregnant, another thing is that, despite my condition he doesn’t help me with anything at home no matter how weak I am, he would even send me on errands, even the water he will bath with in the night, if I don’t put it in the bathroom, I am in soup. Though for now I’m not working but before we got married he said he will set up a business for me but now I see nothing.
LISTEN TO THIS:
When people seek counsel, one of the things we do as counsellors is dig into the situation and get missing information the counsellee may either forget to mention or is uncomfortabe sharing, otherwise, one will jump to conclusion and give wrong counsel. In the information given above, some things were not mentioned:
- It was a long distance relationship.
- They courted for only a year.
Long distance relationships simply don’t work! Nothing annoys me like singles who have never been married all their lives try to advise married couples on something they practically know nothing about except bits they pick from books, hear says and nonsense they hear from some marriage preachers whose personal lives and marriages are a big disaster!
A lady asked recently if her relationship will work, the guy is abroad and she is in Nigeria, I told her the truth but she “prophesied” that hers will work. I only smiled. She had earlier asked for my help. She and the guy have issues with communication, will break down and weep when he talked, she was experiencing verbal and emotional abuse yet hell bent on marrying him. These are women who come crying after few years of marriage, pouring all the blame on the man, yet will not tell the counsellor the whole truth!
You can’t know your partner by asking questions on phone. You need to stay within reach for at least a year in courtship, monitor them, go out together, watch their body language, see the way they treat people and pray for the spirit of discernment.
Some naive, ignorant singles will tell you, it doesn’t matter, you can live with a person for ten years and still not know them, that is a stupid analogy! If you live with a person for such a long time and you do not know much about them, either you are blind, deaf or simply daft!
Long distance relationships don’t work! All the women I counsel whose marriages have broken down had/have long distance relationships!
A man can be on top of another woman and be telling you on phone he is in church, how are you to know? How do you verify? How do you know he is hot tempered, through chats? How do you know he doesn’t smoke or drink, through weekend trips you have already told him you are coming and he hid all the beer bottles and packs of cigarettes? How do you know he wasn’t womanizing when he has told all his girlfriends not to come at the period you are coming?
Womanizers like virgins, he can tell all manner of lies to marry you then show his real colour. Stupidity is the reason most virgins marry irresponsible men! If you give your virginity to the wrong man, you will regret it for life!
One year of close courtship where you see your partner in flesh and blood as often as possible is far better than ten years of long distant relationship! In a close relationship, no matter your age and how desperate and impatient you are, you should court that man for two years before heading to the altar. Let them exhaust all their character, strengths and weaknesses; no one can pretend for two years! If after two years, you still have very shocking revelations about them like drinking and smoking, you need deliverance!
If circumstances take your fiance/fiancee away from you like schooling, career or business opportunities outside the state or country and you have courted for at least a year before leaving, you need AT LEAST another year to court ON LAND before going to the altar! Education and environment change people. They have met new people and had more exposure. They are not the same person you left few years ago. You need time to get to know this new person, find out if you are still compatible and ready to spend the rest of your life together.
Don’t rush to the altar only to discover few months in marriage they have a lover some where you know nothing about!
Pray for the spirit of discernment. Women shouldn’t hang their brains somewhere when courting! Some men are incorrigible, shameless, blatant, irresponsible, unrepentant liars! You must be spiritually and mentally alert to catch them in their lies!
Don’t be desperate to get married. There is no where you are rushing to! You will spend more years in marriage than all the years you have spent as a single person. Better to marry late and marry well than marry early and marry wrong.
If you rush in, you will rush out!
Above all, pray for God’s will and after knowing your God’s will don’t shut your brain and go to sleep. You must study them and know how to live with them.
May you not make a choice you will later regret. God bless you. Cheers!
© Seun Oladele, 2017.